2 B BACK - WITHOUT BEING THERE/ BEING FAR, IN ORDER 2 B AGAIN

IT TAKES A MOMENT

or EVEN LESS

TO DISAPPEAR

Mia madre, la Francesca
É lei protagonista
La sciura della Moda
Quella col figlio artista

Mirabile si firma
Ma invece era il cognome
Di chi lei definiva
"Tuo padre, quel cazzone!"

Mia madre non s'è chiesta
Perché io il mio cognome
Decisi di cambiare
In uno un po' coglione?

Mia madre parolacce
Da quando son bambino
insulti, urla, minacce
Muratti ed accendino

Mia madre vede gente
Mia madre c'ha da fare
Mia madre di se stessa
Non se ne vuol curare

Mia madre, i suoi problemi
Mia madre, il suo passato
Mia madre grida sempre
Chissà se ha mai ascoltato

Mia madre mangia male
Mia madre beve poco
Brioche col cappuccino
Mia madre non fa moto

Mia madre non cucina
Mia madre fa la figa
Mia madre fa la moda
Mia madre attacca briga

Mia madre e i poliziotti
Mia madre e gli avvocati
Mia madre e le sue case
Mia madre mi ha stancato

Mia madre si lamenta
per ore ed ore ed ore
Mia madre che sta male
ma non va dal dottore

Di peso l'ho portata
A farsi visitare
Mia madre col diabete
L'Helicobacter Pylori

Mia madre che mi chiede
"Dai portami all'Ikea"
Mentre mio padre muore
Ma che gran bella idea

Mia madre che nel giorno
Del mio fidanzamento
Si indegna per un bacio
Con urla di sgomento

Baciavo al ristorante
Il mio più grande amore
Che innanzi a madri e amici
Donava a me il suo cuore

Schifata che nemmeno
Chi annusa del letame
Sputando il suo veleno
Ci fa passar la fame

Mi fa sentire osceno
Lei che è del reame
Nientepopodimeno
Regina del frociame

Mia madre la padrona
Mia madre te le suona
Mia madre quando sfasa
Ti sbatte fuori casa

La primo volta avevo
nemmeno dodic'anni
di quello che vivevo
ne porto ancora i danni

Mia madre che ha sbattuto
Fuori di casa Pietro
Dal luogo in cui ha vissuto
con me negl'anni addietro

Mia madre a mia sorella
ricordo ancor la scena
"Non sei per niente bella
Mi sembri una balena!"

Avevo quattro anni
Non so cosa pensassi

Ma....

Se mamma nei miei panni
A metterti provassi
Vedresti molto bene
Che questo mio tormento
E tutte le mie pene
Non son che il tuo lamento
Che strazia le mie vene

Mi chiedi "Sei sereno?"
Ti dico "Vaffanculo!"
Ti incazzi nondimeno
Testarda come un mulo

Ti devi far curare
Lo dico seriamente
Se no ci puoi giurare
Ti elimino per sempre

Io già ti ho perdonato
difficile da fare
Ma ora mi hai stancato
E te ne vai a cagare

Tu sei protagonista
Ma non della mia vita
Di cui sono il regista
E scrivo la tua uscita

Da un palco immaginario
Teatro inesistente
Da ogni mio scenario
Dalla mia stessa mente

Tu esci cara mamma
lo dico a malincuore
Siccome chiamo dramma
ciò che tu chiami amore

TO GO ON AND ON AND NO AND NONE BUT ON

TO LET MYSELF GO

TO LET MYSELF FLOW

IS THE ONLY WAY OF BEING

THERE'S NO USE TELLING ME

THERE'S NO USE TAKING A STEP BACK

A STEP BACK FOR ME

! NEVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER EVER NEVER !!

I AM THE ONE / THAT YOU WERE NOT

I am the one / clairvoyant maybe not

But I can see / the other people's thoughts

I lost you there / or really never had

and anyway / I wanted make it all


I am the one / who writes about two years

I am the one / no friends now on my side

I am the one / that pray half of the day

I am the one / that helps no matter what


And at the end / I'm asking for a hug

A word or two / but coming from your heart

Finding my way / to close and say goodbye

I am the one that watch into your eyes


And I don't know / arriving at this point

If I'm the one / you said you were in love

I am the one / that loved you like a friend

Finding the way / to fake to be your man


Waiting the time / for you to realise

You were not even watching into my eyes

And also then / you didn't understand

That it arrived / the time for you to help


So what I hope / despite from what it seems

Is that you'll get / to be a human kind

To get to see / what people really needs

Feeling with them / the feeling that they feel


That is not love / it was already clear

It's just to want / to make the only choice

To make it right / to turn it into good

To give it back / to thank, to apologise


The latter days / to bless our goodbye.

SUMMER SOLSTICE - I INVOKE THE HELP

First day of Summer.
Summer 2016.
From now on, the only thing that I can do is, precisely, to climb up.
I must rise again, I have to, because lower than where I am at, there is just misery, misfortune, tragedy and sorrow, for me and for all the people who are part of my life.

This is quite of a responsibility.

Six years and one month since the moment I decided to give up, to throw away, to embrace the carelessness, to promote the carelessness, to abandon myself to fate, case, chaos.

Seventy-three months.

73

Is the number of the envious, of malice, of incitement.
The number representing a definitive break with a situation.
Diseases, hospital stays, the need to be hospitalized. The final moving to a new house.
Removals.
Funerals.

I can see all of it, recalling these seventy-three months. It started with a funeral, it MUST END with a final move to a new house...

..but the truth is that my inner desire is/was to conclude this story with one more funeral, with my funeral.
And I don't care if you all think that is pretty much dramatic, pathetic, over exaggerate. as this is the truth.
Dear friends, maybe for once you should open your eyes and watch me.
Do you see me? Can you really see me? I'm not so sure.

Carelessness towards our own lives is nothing less than a slow suicide. To not glorify your life is nothing less than glorify your death.

Yes, I'm sorry, I admit it : Since my father died I just lost the reason, the meaning, the will to glorify God.
Everything I just wanted to do, was to escape to a tropical land, to find the biggest and the longest techno party ever possible, to take an incredible amount of all kinds of drugs and finally die, to die dancing and euphoric, being so high to seem really, truly happy. I know it sound funny, but is not.

This is the thought that I drag as a burden through seventy-three months. Six years of lies, of insincerity, deceitfulness, self-destruction, disrespect, contempt, rage....

SO MUCH RAGE AGAINST GOD

Fortitude was one of my best quality. Fortitude was what my father taught me, silently, what a father, a doctor, taught to his rebel son, his stubborn, disobedient son, without even speaking, just watching him, observing him, therefore considering him.

My Father's eyes, how the looked at me, watched me, scan me, saw me.
My Father's eyes : the reason, the meaning, the source of my will to glorify my Life, to glorify God.

...gli occhi di mio padre...

I'm fighting to find again the will, to restore my fortitude, but I feel so lost, I feel so lost.

In any case I just know that I cannot go on like this, and I write it here, where everyone can see it, I write it now, on the summer solstice, when the Sun has being glorified in every ancient colture of the planet Earth.

I invoke the help of God and of all the people who loves me.

I know that I have responsibilities, I was used to love responsibilities and I'm doing my best, I'm trying my best, but I can't hide it anymore, I can't avoid forever this strong desire I have to give up, to throw away, to not care, to abandon, to loose myself into the carelessness, forgetfulness, oblivion, death.

...gli occhi di mio padre...

Today, summer solstice 2016, I invoke the help of God, the Father almighty, the help of heaven and earth whom He created, the help of all things, visible and invisible and the help of all the people who loves me, your help, if you are reading it right now. 

...and this is my way of doing it, this is how I express myself since I'm really young. I know it sounds theatrical, melodramatic, artifact or artistic, but behind this way of writing it, behind my cheap poetry, there are exactly the facts, for what they are. I can't write it in detail (even if I would love to do such thing) I can't describe all the events with naked words, yet harsh, unpleasant, abusive, because I don't want to hurt anyone with it...

...this is my way, but it doesn't mean that is not deadly serious.

Faithfully,

Andrea

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 . YEARS . . . . . . . . . . . .

SUDDENLY FAMILY FEELING

JOY . HONORED . DEEPLY GRATEFUL

SIX YEARS ╰ 3 + 3 ╮

In these six years, since my father died I would say, I learnt :

- To don't rely on other people's intentions, whether they are your friends, loves, relatives, lovers, colleagues or companions. You can rely only on your good intentions, whenever those are truly good or not.

- That envy does exist and we are all possible prey of it, so you should better understand your feelings and the reasons behind your actions.

- That if you ask for help, it doesn't mean that someone will rescue you. You are the one and only who can truly help yourself and it's better if you do it since the beginning. Immediately you'll get the help you need.

- That you can not be mad at God as much as you can not be mad at yourself. It doesn't help. Nevertheless, rage needs its time to calm down.

In this last three years, since I stop dance I would say, I learnt :

- That it doesn't matter how hard you tried, how good you were, how deep you studied, how strong you gave all you have. It doesn't mean you'll achieve your goals or you will get recognitions. Nevertheless every effort will be absolutely priceless inside your heart, forever.

- That the drug don't work. And if you are a bigot, but you are still reading my blog, please consider the broadest meaning of the word drug. Drug is cocaine, amphetamines, heroin, of course, but, to me, drug is also your social networks, your devices, television, fast food, money, beauty and even religion, sometimes. Therefore I say : the drug don't work. If you have a problem, if you think you can't handle your life, if you lost your faith, you better find another solution, no matter how hard it will be, to stand up strong again.

- That I should try, at least try, to never be disparaging. It's one of the hardest thing ever, at least for me. Never disparaging doesn't mean always praising, but exactly never disparaging. Sometimes it requires a certain kind of distance from certain kind of people (and I'm not classifying people at all, I'm just underlining diversity), in order not to get hurt by them or by yourself.

These are mainly the things I learnt. And I tried my best to wrote them down in a positive way, because everything I just mentioned is easily transcribable through negative connotations as never trust anyone, life is unfair, people are selfish and envious etc etc. It took me a while to find out the difference between a negative sentence and a positive cause.

If you think I'm preaching, you are just misinterpreting my words, so, please, read again.

A.M.M. Den Haag IX APR. MMXVI

THE TRUTH

La verità è che ho paura, da sempre, di un sacco di cose, davvero tantissime.

La verità è che mi sono sempre nascosto, ho imparato a nascondere bene, sempre meglio, fino a confondere persino me stesso.
La verità è che sono anni che non sono più quello che tutti credono io sia, quello che ero.
Sono solo una copia, faccio solo finta.
La verità è qualcosa che cambia giorno per giorno.
Però esiste, eccome se esiste.
Sarebbe troppo comodo se non esistesse.
La verità la sappiamo bene tutti, dai.
Si fa fatica a dirla, certo, ed una volta trovato il coraggio di dirla, spesso la si perde nelle parole.
La verità è che ho paura, ma faccio finta di niente, nel peggiore dei modi.
Se è vero che la paura è l'altro volto del desiderio, allo stesso modo, talvolta, può renderci incapaci di amare, di vivere, di pregare.
La verità è che sono l'unico a poter fare qualcosa ed invece continuo a nascondere, nascondermi, nasconderlo.

The truth is that I'm afraid, since ever, afraid of many things, really a lot.
The truth is that I have always hidden, I learned to hide it well, better and better, till I confused even myself.
The truth is that it's already many years that I'm no longer what everyone thinks I am: who I was.
I'm just a copy of him, I just pretend.
The truth is something that changes from day to day.
Nevertheless it exist, and how it exists!
It would be too easy if it had not existed.
We all know the truth, come on.
It's hard to say it, of course, and once you find the courage to say it, often it gets lost inside the words.
The truth is that I'm afraid, but I ignore it, in the worst possible way.
While fear could be the other face of desire, someone said, it's also true, at the same time, that it can make us unable to love, to live, to pray.
The truth is that I am the only one who can do something about and instead I continue to hide, hide it, hide myself.

TO DANCE - TO BE A DANCER - TO HAVE DANCED - TO HAVE BEEN A DANCER

It's about two years that I don't write on my blog specific informations about my job.
Many people still ask me where I'm currently dancing.
Most of the people ask me where do I live.
Everybody gives me their best wishes for THE wedding.
Few people ask me how I am and very few of them really mean what they are actually asking.
Even less want to hear the answer.
Maybe a couple of them seriously listen to my answer.
Those are my friends, and I'm sure that they know when I'm lying, as I often do, pretending to be strong, to have everything under control, to be easy, to be fine.

To give up on the idea of art and theater.
To be back in my unpleasant hometown.
To work for the overbearing fashion industry.
To sit all day in front of a screen.
To see my body changing day after day.
To live with my family, after so many years by myself.
To have money problems, to me immigrant wherever I go, to have my things scattered in several cellars, in several countries, to deal with bureaucratic documents written in a tricky, difficult language, constantly trying to solve problems, to keep everything together, constantly traveling, moving, wandering, driving, sliding, flying...

To move                             ...............                             To dance.

And on the other side to have the peerless opportunity to work with my mother, to learn a new trade, to see, so close, my nephew growing day after day, to help my sister moving to Australia, to get even closer to my best friend, to see my ex-colleagues dancing from the audience, to challenge myself, to fall in love again, to commit, to decide to believe....

To dance                             ...............                             To love.

I always thought that the day I'd necessarily have to stop dancing, my life would have been certainly becoming more and more stable.

I had underestimated the fact that once you have danced for so long, for so many people, you do not stop being a dancers just because you stop dancing. You will dance all your life, in one way or another.

So today I'm here, in Den Haag, to see you dance in this new adventure, to let my soul dance with yours, to be by your side, to be yours, today as always and forever.

I'm sorry if I speak about me in this day that is about you, but I thought this prologue was essential to make you understand the meaning of what I'm writing.

Sorry if I don't have flowers for you today, any huge bouquet of fragrant roses or any expensive gift to celebrate this important occasion, but only these words, written in our house, while I'm waiting to come to the theater, to come to you.

I have just this words that I share with everyone, through the web, to let them know how much I admire you, I respect you, I'm proud of you. To say in front of everyone who will read this message, how importat you are in my life.

To let you know how much I love you, Charles Jordan Jones...

...and with or without flowers, with or without gifts, I'll try my best to make the most beautiful of all the dances out of our life, I'll keep on trying to be the best dancer I can, not on stage, but in this world, for you...

...while you will dance in front of me and the entire audience.

To dance, to move, to be moved, to love.

TOI TOI TOI AMORE MIO !!

Faithfully Yours,

Andrea

BRIGHT.S AND DAZZLED

. . . THE DAY . IL GIORNO . DER TAG . 這一天 . . .

THERE I GO

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE MY EMOTIONS.
IT GOES WAY BEYOND MY CAPABILITIES.

THERE I GO.

IT IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE THING TO DO, THE ONLY DIRECTION TO TAKE, THE ONLY REASON, THE ONLY ONE.

IT IS.

HE IS.

LOVE IS.

OFTEN I WISH I'D DONE SOMETHING USEFUL DURING MY SHORT LIFE - OFTEN I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING NEEDFUL - OFTEN I WISH I WILL DO SOMETHING INDISPENSABLE - TILL NOW MY LIFE WAS BASED ON TRIVIAL NUGATORY SHALLOW THINGS AND I DIDN'T EVEN EXCEL AT NONE OF THOSE - ONLY A MEDIOCRE VAGUE AND VANE BEAUTY

HAWAIIAN BUTTERFLY

Walter Chappell, Hawaiian Butterfly, 1978

It seems so far away, when I was in Kauai, that Hawaiian island

Sometimes

It feels a long time ago, that I was dancing on stage

At times

It looks like yesterday, that I was not yet eighteen

There are some days when I think that I never really left my city, that I never made everything I made, never met all the people that I know, saw the places where I was, the feelings I had

Just a dream

So far away, buried in a remote past.

I burst through time and space, overwhelmed by this present that throws me into many different futures

My life, my heart, my mind, my body, my soul, my thoughts, my needs, my duties, my obligations, my feelings, My Love, my home, my family, my job, my skills, my friends, my dreams, my wishes, my prayers, my roots.

Each one of these parts of me are situated in a different space

In a different time

At the same time but not in the same place 

In the same place but at different times

There are days when I think I can embrace them all



There are times when I'm swept away by the beating of the wings of an Hawaiian butterfly.

FROM TIME TO TIME

I AM TIME, THE TIME THAT I AM ALLOWED TO EXIST ON THIS PLANET. A SUCCESSION OF MOMENTS, MOVEMENTS, ACTIONS, REACTIONS, RELATIONS, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS AND PLACES. NOTHING MORE THAN THIS. NOTHING LESS. THE SUM OF THESE FEW THINGS, I AM. 

I AM TIME... AND IF I MAKE THE SUM OF IT UNTIL NOW... IF I WATCH HOW I USED THIS TIME THAT I WAS ALLOWED TO EXIST UP TO THIS MOMENT... WELL... THEN I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE RESULT, ABOUT MY TIME, ABOUT WHAT I AM.

THE TIME I SPENT TO SLEEP, EAT, CLEAN, STUDY, WORK.
THE TIME I SPENT THINKING, WRITING, READING, DANCING.
THE TIME I SPENT WITH FRIENDS, PEOPLE, PARTNERS, LOVERS.
THE TIME I SPENT LAUGHING, WATCHING A MOVIE, GETTING DRUNK, CLUBBING, CRYING, GETTING STONED, FLIRTING, FIGHTING, WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.
THE TIME I WASTED.
THE TIME I CREATED SOMETHING GOOD.
THE TIME I DESTROYED MYSELF.
THE TIME I CHANGED.
THE TIME I LEARNT.
THE TIME I LIED.
THE TIME I PRAYED.
THE TIME I TRIED.
THE TIME I FAILED.

THE TIME I TRAVELED, WANDERED, WONDERED.
THE TIME I GUESSED.
THE TIME I WAS LOST AND THE ONE I FOUND.

THE TIME I HATED, THE ONE I LOVED.

THE TIME I DIDN'T.
AND THEN I DID.

THE TIME WITH YOU – YOUR TIME FOR ME
THE TIME WE SHARED.

THE TIME I DANCED AND DANCED AND DANCED.
THE TIME I BOWED.
THE TIME I BROKE... MY SELF, A BOUND, A HEART OR A PROMISE I MADE.
THE TIME I STOPPED OR MAYBE STARTED.
THE ONE LAST TIME BUT THEN AGAIN.

I AM TIME, UNTILL THE DAY I WILL BE JUST MEMORY, WHICH IS ANOTHER KIND OF TIME AND IT TAKES ANOTHER KIND OF SPACE. SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM. THE TIME OF DREAMS.

THE TIME I DREAMT.
THE TIME I FORGOT.
THE TIME I GAVE.
THE TIME I GOT.

I MAKE A SUM
I WATCH IT ALL
THE TIME I WAS
I SEE MY SOUL.

AND I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE TIME I WAS NOT GRATEFUL TO HAVE THE TIME TO EXIST.
AND I BEG PARDON CAUSE I KNOW IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN....

FROM TIME TO TIME.

TREDICUORI.THREEOFHEARTS.HERZDREI.三的心

Three of Hearts = Answer YES to your question.

Hum... sorry... but...

Did I ask something?
What was the question again?
I don't remember I asked for something, but apparently the answer is YES.

And again my life decides to take a direction, a strong one, a clear one.

Another country, another city, another language.

Another change.

And now YES, now I have a lot of questions, YES.

I try to keep calm, to free my mind, to trust, to let myself go, to focus one point, just one point, each time smaller, each time further, that is not even a point anymore, almost invisible, but there, in front of me.

...and suddenly everything open up...

DIVIENI CIÒ CHE SEI ! BECOME WHO YOU ARE ! WERDE DER DU BIST ! 成為你是誰 ! (Nietzsche)

Who I was
Who I wanted to be
Who I became
Who I am
Who I want to be
Who I become
Who I will be
Who I will want to become
Who I will become