Often, during this 15 years dancing on stage, I asked to myself the reason why I was doing it. Dance was not my priority, but it just a subset belonging a bigger one : the theater. Theater in turn belong to literature, which under my opinion remains the highest point of the artistic human expression. The power of ideas, thoughts, concepts. The magic capability of human kind to recreate a world of phantasy. The dangerous gift of fiction. So why to dance, when it looks so far away from the starting point, so abstract, so physical? I spent the biggest part of the last three months limping. When finally, after many efforts supported by a strong faith, I started to run, slowly, well... suddenly I felt the happiest person in the world. A deep meaningless satisfaction ran all over my body, reaching my thoughts, my heart. This is exactly what I feel while I'm dancing... while I WAS dancing.
In the clinic St. Anna the tapis roulant is facing directly Pilatus Mountain and you can enjoy a breathless panorama while you are "fictioning" the action of running. For sure this helps your imagination to believe you are going somewhere.
This is also the reason why I like to travel around the world, walking until I'm exhausted.
To go somewhere, to have a direction, to move through, to reach, to discover, to aim.
How often in our life we feel lost, we perceive our existence useless, we ask for a sign who shows us the right way?
When I dance, when I was dancing, I was going everywhere, walking, sliding, melting, floating, projecting, throwing, jumping, fling, flying, turning, falling, pushing, pulling, twisting, rolling, streaming, darting, cutting, curving and more, always more, enjoying all the possibilities of this universe and the impossibilities of our thoughts and fears and limits and again more, even more, forever more.
Somehow I thank this last difficult season at the theater, the sadness of working in a place where you don't feel appreciate, welcome and valorized, the physical pain of dancing with the certainty that whatever effort I could have done was just for nothing, for any reason, with no direction. I thank the effort I made to try to dance just for myself, I thank my defeat, overcome by anger, disappointed, regretting all the decision I took in the last two years, all the energy I gave, all my special love that I delivered for nothing.
But was not for nothing.
And I don't care if I'm a looser, if I was not enough or not on top of the situation.
I don't care if I don't fit in, if I don't have the level or the technique or whatever.
My life goes on pretty much fast, our wrinkles are increasing day by day, the world is changing furiously and what it stays, after all, is what you gave, are your memories and thoughts, hopefully to share with the people you love and their smiles, and their hands and their voices, at the very end, will give you the measure of the value you gave to your life.