23rd of June 2013, Luzern
Dear World Wide Web,
I'm pretty much happy that I'm not dancing anymore, that I'm not inside that bad circle of myself being that "bad myself", giving to myself the worse of me.
Of course I miss TLT and the ballet class (well...hum... the class maybe not that often, I must admit. Smile) and rehearsals and share the stage with them and applause... but this was the best way ever (for me) to stop. I'm radical and my life is radical as I am, because it's my life, mine, just mine and I know how this sounds.... (arrogant smile)
I hate goodbyes, I find 'em so fake, forced, not spontaneous, like Christmas, like Birthdays...
This farewell was lasting too long, since October, drying up all my enthusiasm.
This kind of happiness was just my feeling in these days (80) and I hope it's going to last long. This is what I felt after having concluded my work and life experience with TLT in such a dramatic/unexpected/splatter way. (demented smile)
...just about this... and then life includes much more than "just this", much more than my colleagues, even if a big part of them overflows into the remaining part of my whole life beyond TLT.
My feelings have nothing to see with rules, insurances, laws, rights (or wrongs) and bureaucracy. They have nothing to do either with my thoughts. They are just my feelings, my soul, my heart. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are just what they are, what you feel, what you want it to feel, maybe, sometimes. (enigmatic smile)
I learnt to divide things. Yes, it was hard and, yes, life has much less meaning when you split feelings and legal situations or professional behaviors, especially if you work in an "artistic" field, but this is what they wanted me to do and so there I go. (diagonal smile)
I'm also pretty much happy about this spring that was like another November, yes, sorry, but, limping as a junky, I was not feeling ready for sunny days and life outside.
I needed to stay a bit more on my nest, to recover from a fucking horrible year.
I let everybody free to think what they want about the reasons why I had an horrible year. I'm pretty much sure that I have enough fingers in one hand to count those who really know my motivations. (no smile)
I'm also pretty much happy regarding the fact that I have no f**king idea of what I want to do, I should do, I might do and (for the first time in my life)that I don't have any kind of plan for the future.
If someone would ask me right now to choose a job I would choose the postman or the roadsweeper or again to work in a farm, but this is just a dream, yes, I know, and most probably I will end up working in a restaurant or in a cafe, once again...
...and I would like to underline the fact that this is my choice, yes, cause sometimes, took by the carrousel of this crazy-sad world, I forgot that I'm an happy person, full of thought and complexity, but mainly happy, and that I don't need success, I don't need applause, I don't need consent.
I don't need them because I have them. I don't need them because I feel them, even when I am alone or lonely. Life applauds you everyday if you give your best, if you give it all, if you give 'em hope, and even more if you try to be a "NORMALPERSON" in the middle of "NORMALPERSONS". (big stupid idiot smile)
I'm basically happy cooking and writing and taking a walk, performing a simple job, cleaning my flat with Madonna, shaking my ass exclusively for the elderly couple living in front of me. (wink-cheerleader smile)
All the rest, all my rage, my weird thoughts, my bad moods and sadness, well, that is not just about me, but about my relation with this wide world, this crazy society, to which I never felt to belong completely.....
....therefore thanks to the trees, thanks to the rivers mountains and lakes, thanks to the sky, to the sand and to the postman and the road-sweeper and the farmer and the baker....
Thanks to the Lord
