Producing clarity. Produrre chiarezza.
I didn't know where to start. I started from me. I gave up imediately. Too much confusion in my head.
Then I started from what I have around and was not such a nice scenery, for sure not that amazing as the majestic kenion in Kauai was...
That pure beauty that made my cry of joy this summer.
I thought, I want that beauty in my life, I want that perfection, which is not built, but is by nature.
What remains of my life which is just by nature, and not by my efforts?
Not the dance, but my passion for it.
Not the love, but my heart full of it.
Not the words, even if I'm writing and still speaking.
Not Luzern, not this world, but the universe surrounding.
Not the numbers, but the meaning of them, the signs in them.
Just few people and I must thank God for having them.
I cannot sleep tonight, and no, I'm not gonna smoke a joint, I'm not gonna chat in Gayromeo, I'm not gonna fuck or phone to anyone.
I'm just gonna keep on watch the wall in front of me, listening some slow music, getting lost in my thoughts, in my soul.
Producing clarity can be really painfull. Can be really painfull to look yourself in the mirror of the truth, understanding how much you didn't want to understand, how less you wanted to see the truth.
Everything start to be a little bit further, that little enough to make it clearer, that little enough to make me feel damn lonely, even in the middle of people, even surrounded by applause.
Yesterday I fell on stage. It was one of the best moment of my life. It was so fucking real.
Yesteday I cryied on stage, during my solo, I just allowed myself to feel what I have in my heart, cause was just a rehearsal. I recieved lots of compliments. I so didn't give a fuck.
I was crying cause I'm not gonna dance for the people that I love, I was crying cause I felt so far away from the people that I love, I was crying cause I was not sure that my love was real or just something that I built. A love which is not by nature.
And no... I'm not gonna dance like that in front of the audience... I'm too stupid and limited to do this.
Producing clarity is also a way to see my limits, to see how much fake I am, to see how much the reality reflects my way of being fake, false.
I miss. I miss my lovers.
I miss myself.
But I know it's gonna be just for a while.
I know that something is gonna happen soon.
Cause yes, I'm a believer. By nature.