I just realize now...
I was not a good boy, not at all. Ignorant, liar, fake, opportunist, thug, restless, hyperactive, spoiled, always doing something forbidden, always in the forbidden place, rejected at school, the black sheep of the family, the worse in my class. One night, I was fifteen, I woke up in the middle of the night quite hungry. In the kitchen, sitting alone, with the face on his hands, I found my father.
We didn't have money anymore plus a big debt with the state. He didn't know how to solve the problem.
I just realize now that from that moment I started to be who I was for the next fifteen years. The one reading a lot, always writing, working a lot, giving my best, trying hard, trying again, ready to challenge, meditating, full of passion, faith, energy, forcing myself to have the "perfect relationship" that you can show to your parents, the best job, the best smile.
Four years ago, today, my father died and… I just realize now… I threw away all this, I didn't give a fuck anymore, I didn't trust any longer as before, dreaming as before, loving as before, but doubting about the justice of this life we have from God, of this world we have from Nature...
…and…
…I just realize now…
The bad boy I am, came out again, my nature, violent, rebel, malicious.
After four years I'm still fighting between this two tendencies, this two person I am. Everywhere my father is now, I'm sure he is laughing out loud, watching me while I struggle so much, cause he always found me totally hilarious in my dramatic situations. He was never too much worried about me, even though not happy, cause he was always confident in my potentials, teaching me about potentials.
Wherever he is, I wanna say that I love him.
I love you father. I hope you will always keep on save me, even now, from the place you are, because lately, I must be true, I don't see so many reason to save myself from the worse person I could ever be and I don't see potentials anymore. I still see opportunities, but all the rest it's just being fake, keep on living this amazing life, but without any strong direction.
I miss you father.
I just realize know that you have been a really strong direction.
Amen.