If during the summer 2011 I would have know the consequences of my choices, I would have done all in another way. And I'm not speaking about a particular situation, but about many different kind of things. Work, love, trips, friends, roads, everything.
As I already said, this is the first time in my life that I deeply regret what I have done.
Regret is the worse feeling I've ever experienced.
Immediately it comes the sadness of when the people you love the most don't want to make the effort to interpret or encode your words and actions, simply judging you, easily judging you.
And I feel obliged to underline that I'm not speaking about someone in particular, but many people in the last 2 years, from my mother to who was my best friend, from colleagues to who was my lover.
I know I've been strange lately and for the first time for sure not worried or busy trying to produce the picture of me that people want to see, but I had the need to do it, to understand me, to discover more.
This just happened because when you loose a father in such a way, when you loose your bestfriend in such a way, when you loose your partner in such a way, when you loose your job in such a way, when you loose a leg in such a way... well... maybe you need to understand.
I was just loosing everything cause everything was just the product of the part of me who wants to please, satisfy, gratify the others.
For many reason I stopped to be so nice. And of course this makes me sad, but this is it.
I can just start again from where I am, trying to get better, trying to do my best, even if is never enough.
