17th March 2012 I went to Milano after a long time. I saw my sister pregnant after a long time waiting for it, I slept in the house were I spent 5 beautiful years with Pietro & Co. the house were I didn't enter for 2 years, the house that I saw the last time when I was back in Milano (MARCH 2010) to hug my parents after the death of my father and put 5 years of my life with Pietro in boxes in order to rent it. One of the sadder day of my life.
The chance to change that and to make a new step, fighting the past with a bright present.
BACKACHE
That day Danilo called me, not understanding in which kind of moment I was going through, the importance of it, saying lots of bad words at the telephone. That day I decided to cut him out from my life forever (is forever never forever?).
BACKACHE
18th March 2012 I danced with my sister and with my nephew inside her. Such an inexplicable feeling. Chiara and Salomè with me, my sisters in dance. Pietro tried to kiss me in our room, the room where we made love for such a long time. I also wanted to kiss him in the way in which he tried, but my brain told me to don't do that.
Then he wrote me a sweet message, making me feel beloved.
BACKACHE
Rehearsals for the premiere, lots of work, steps, counts, efforts, joy, passion... backache.
I decided to just dance the premiere and wait the response of the doctor.
I was afraid, I felt that something is happening inside my body.
First time I had such an ominous feeling.
12th APRIL 2012 Stefan arrived here in Luzern to see the premiere. After more than one year that I didn't see him, after the way in which we said goodbye... after all. I made my best, cooking for him, speaking with him, trying to don't think about my back, about the pain, about nothing.
14th APRIL 2012 Premiere.
I gave all I had, during the performance and after in the party, trying like always to make the people dance, have fun, speak, live the moment.
BACKACHE... TOO MUCH.
15th APRIL 2012 I was in a really bad mood, I was afraid waiting for monday, for the MRI... and lots of feeling fighting inside myself. Stefan didn't understand the situation. I left him alone sleeping in my house, I went to Salomè to find a bit of peace. He left the day after without a word.
16th APRIL 2012 After the MRI and the tomography they tell me I have a fracture on my 5th lumbar vertebra.
Fear, angst, anger, doubts, nausea, confusion, disbelief....
I vomited. I didn't know what to do. Lost.
Pietro forgot I had the result for the tests and Stefan didn't say a word about, already enjoying his time in Barcelona.
25th APRIL 2012 I danced the last show, without the knowledge of what was going inside my body, without knowing what it means to have a fracture on a vertebra.
I danced for all my friends here, for my little swiss family, watching Bea sitted down in the audience.
It sounds pathetic, but I danced as it would have been the last time in my life.
I gave all myself to them. Such a great joy.
27th APRIL 2012 The doctor told me I MUST stop to dance for one month, that I was lucky that during this 5 months of backache nothing serious happened and that I'm stubborn and reckless. I recognize myself in that two words.
Pietro wrote me messages on what's up. I explained more or less the situation. No call, no nothing.
I write an e.mail to Cristian saying that I'm going to Milano cause I'm down, cause my back, cause I need friends and family. He told me "I'll come to you".
28th - 29th APRIL 2012 I spend the weekend in Milano, was great to be with my Sister, his man, my mother, my grandmother, my aunt and uncle, my cousin, Valentina (my best friend) Riccardo (her man), Prisca and Salvo (my dance teachers to whom I owe almost everything).
Cristian didn't even call me.
Pietro didn't even call me.
Stefan didn't even wrote me.
I close.
I don't know if forever it's really forever.
Once more the time will give me the answers I search.
Now I need just to focus my energies to heal.
Trying to don't be sad, cause sadness doesn't help right now.
There is a feeling inside myself... but I cannot give a name to it.
