The best friend of my mother was like a milestone for me, he was gay, he was one of the sweetest person I ever met in my life.
He died with AIDS when I was twelve.
I accepted my homosexuality when I was twelve, almost thirteen. We were still spending a lot of time in the farm and I remember that summer, in the middle of the cows I thought, yes, ok, this is it and it's not gonna be a problem.
The problem came later on, when I understood that probably I would never had a family... I mean... the stereotyped idea of the family.
Around sixteen, even if I was in love with Valentina, I wanted to finish my life cause I felt biologically useless.
Theater saved me. Theater gave me the possibility to create something new, to create my life, to create myself and to go out from stereotype, in a way.
Anyhow I was not going in gay clubs, gay discos, gay bars even if I was living in Milano which is the gayest city in Italy.
Everytime I was entering in a gay place I was feeling unconfortable, I was thinking... hey! what the hell is going on here? I mean... they are all gay... this is not normal.
Can you imagine to enter in a disco and they are all blond? Strange no?
This is the reason why I had just few sexual intercourses till I was around 19.
Then everything changed, but this is another story.
Well, I don't know what the fuck is going on in my life but... I feel catapulted back to my sixteen.
It feels so strange to kiss a man.
It feels so strange to think about my future with a man.
It feels so strange.
I do not understand why with a woman I can speak about everything, going out, have a dinner, sleep together, share ideas, listen music and do a lot of different kind of things an maybe later, maybe on the right moment, and just maybe... a kiss will happen and maybe love.
I do not understand why with a gay already after few hours of whatever thing we are doing everything is oriented in a sexual situation.
This makes me quite confused.
And then, in that moment, something explodes inside me and makes me different, then the other Andrea come out... and it's already too late to come back.
The crying killer. Cause I kill myself every fucking time.
In order of what?
A cheap kiss? A bit of sperm?
Hey people... this is quite sad. I am quite sad, but just as a gay, not as a person.