THE CANCER

An ace of hearts in Zurich. A jolly joker in Rome, where my sister gave me a peacock feather. She told me you are dead like your father. The cancer. Peacock feathers on his arm. My heart touched for nothing. My anger. My weakness. My prayers to get stronger again. A four-leaf clover in Luzern, during a sad rainy day of August. Yes I'm sorry, I'm not an angel. I have my dark side, but nobody wants to see me. Too much resposabilities. Too difficult. Better when I lie. Better when I lie lying in the bed. Better when I just smile, even if I know already everything. Several playing cards in Frankfurt, but not the jack of hearts, that one was not for me, even if I wanted it, even if I found it, even if it came in my life. A phonecall at six o'clock in the morning with a voice crying and crying. A phonecall that saved my purposes. The Pilatus screaming like my soul, while someone was screaming under my building a name that I will not say. Antonella was here, Antonella who red for me the cards eleven years ago, Antonella which on her way back home found another ace of hearts and she told me was for me. Antonella heard that scream and she recognized my soul in it. His words saing "don't go out from my life, stay a little bit more, please". My soul asking why. Why do you want me to feel like that? My birthday dancing in the middle of the city and a message from Ursula saying "I wish for you THE LOVE". The cancer. My prayers. Another Tonia sending me messages of hope from far away. Somewhere away. The lights of my flat intermittent during the night. A five of flowers, found and then lost. A vinyl that was better not to buy. Prayers and confessions. The rings. Seven Four. Even Our. Another peacock feather in the middle of the street in one of the saddest day of my life. The day in which I understood. The love. The cancer. My sister pregnant, the biggest joy I ever felt. The prove that everything was right in The Third Moon. Kim after three months. The sadness of seeing that I waited that day for nothing. Sad. Even more than sad. Another king of cups. I'm hiv negative. Till now and I hope till the end. Even if in that day there was too much blood, in a moment that should have been a moment of pleasure, my pleasure, taken without the will of having it, taken to prove to myslef that I can still feel the mechanical pleasure. Too much blood, the blood of someone that I don't know. Back to the starting point. Fuck! The cancer. The life. The run. The love. I'm trying hard to calm down my life, to walk slowly, to slow down my heart. I swear I'm trying hard. I will give me other three months. For me, just for me and nobody else. I keep on breathing, even if I feel under the water. While everything else, included my body, is running all around.