The first day of the year starts with an incredible sunny day. Me, Danilo, Pamela and Paolo Corona at home, after a great night, full of things and enchantment and tears. Was not possible to sleep, too much excitemet about the new feeling running in my veins and that incredible light surrounding all the space around US. A message:
Cristo Andrea! Stai con me ti prego! Non sono perfetto e non lo sarò mai, ma tu sei la mia ragione di tutto, cazzo! Vabbè, ho bevuto. Tu sei qui. Tu sei qui sempre. Il mio cuore è tuo. Fanne ciò che vuoi. Ma sappi che se mai sarà un si, ci saranno novità. Se sarai concorde. Cristo Andrea, AMAMI CAZZO!
What to answer? Cynical. Better to have a breakfast and going out with Dan e Pam. Next stop, Stefan Szomraky & friends, a kiss, the last one, apparently, a touch, voices, circumstances, gay bullshits, indeed I am, (GAY!), back home, us, calma, le polpette di Marco, TROUW, amazing, relaxing party, the music, the love, the feeling, again the same bright atmosphere, then slowly back at home, to embrace, to warm up, to sleep, fly back in Swiss, after the last bullshit, in a bar, I didn't know was the last, yet, again cynical, forever more. Ten days of silence, tears, crying as a baby, crying for so many reasons that is quite hard to think about. But all about Love IN ALL ITS ASPECTS. And dance, steps, efforts, concetration, rehearsals and again tears. Stop Andrea, please, you have the premiere, TANZ 5, you have to cheer up, you have to show off, you must be perfect and beautiful, and shining like a star.
...stars...
And a week-end in Milano, Chiara pregnant, the biggest joy ever, and Pietro shutting up about that message, trying to kiss me, disrespecting my feelings, my doubts, my person, my thoughts, my soul, my Love. Six years can disapper in one single moment, even if I think is not possible, this is what I felt. Premiere, tachicardia, toi toi toi, my Mother here, to help me, in the middle of the audience, to give me the strenght, once more, a reason to do it, once more thanks la mamma, and the party, and the music, and fights, and love, and kisses, and friends, thanks, a lot, and 8 o clock in the morning, walking around Luzern, thinking that neither dance can save me, not anymore, anylonger.
No chat, no joints, no party, no drinks, no sex, no nothing, just to produce clarity, to see everything in the most objective way possible, to take decisions, to be fucking cynical once in my life. Just once please, just for a while, ok?
Stefan starts to call again, and again, and I will remember the face of my mother, sat down in front of me, asking, doubting, reflecting all my questions. Again tears, untill the moment in which I understand that I don't wanna cry anymore, anylonger. Cutting Szomraky out of my life, finally, cleaning the whole house, deleting every single memory, every single heart, all the dreams about it, the pictures, the bullshit of a person that can just be painful for me, misunderstanding Love, just to feel safe, just to feel shelter, just because fucking afraid (?) or just simply egoist. Cynical? Yes, indeed.
And again wierd moments with Danilo but this is another story, another level. Trying hard to don't loose my faith. And in a way some kind of sunrise is protecting us. A bright US.
Once more I learnt a lesson. Every fucking time the same lesson. Once more I thought I'd be sad if alone, when, in fact, I feel more alone if I'm close to the wrong person, or when I am the wrong person beside someone. (smile)
And, yes, it always looks like nothing is happening... but everything happens, fast, faster than I think, but finally a little bit slower.
This is the first month of 2011. Keep on trying my best.
Keep on falling. Keep on riseing. Keep on loving.